Wednesday February 11, 2004

Dear Visitor:

At least here in the United States, Feb. 14^th is Valentine's Day. A day of that is often solely thought of as the day of romantic love. Many have pointed out how the day is about love because of what Saint Valentine did for those he loved; his family and friends. While that is good to remember, I am thinking about the love we call love these days.

I have been thinking back over my life. I have been considering what used to be the signs of love and romance. It used to be "I love you" or "How do I love thee, let me count the ways." It could be many forms. Often it was about what was good about the other, how they made you feel and about how you want them to be happy.

I don't believe this is how it is anymore. We have replaced love with romance and romance with sexual aggression. For example: "I love you" has ubiquitously become "I want you" or a sexual "I need you" (yes, I am aware the latter can be taken and given in a non-sexual way). We "love" someone as long as they please us sexually or provide us with excitement or gifts. Then the "love" passes and we move on. Whatever happened to the selfless, the romantic, the commitment? What became of eternal love? Heck, what has become of love?

Maybe I am wrong about where this world has gone in my 25+ years of life on this planet. I sincerely hope I am. But this thinking has reminded me of truths I have been taught or have learned; the latter through difficult times.

Many or most people, maybe all, want excitement. They want pleasure. While I would say there isn't anything wrong with this, in and of itself. (Obviously, being religious I have views on the extent and times/situations in which this is appropriate, I am not addressing it in this fashion, just consider such things.) We want to be swept off our feet; we want to float like a cloud! But, like all fires burning hot, such a relationship can quickly consume all the available fuel. When the fuel runs out and the fire burns down, what do you have left?

If the passion and excitement were all there was, bare minimum depression and the results of "smoke inhalation" sink in. The relationship ends and we move on. Worst case, we have severe scars from the fire and the burn-out, our hearts may even become as scorched earth. This is a sad state. Can it be avoided? I think so.

There are many artists, authors, etc. who have said they seek out people and knew experiences because it fuels the artistic abilities and the imagination. It definite does provide for fertile ground for the future. Friendships do the same. If the friendship never existed, the fire is likely short lived. If the friendship died, the fire will soon consume itself out. If the friendship lives on, the fire burns itself low, maybe even going out for a time. However, eventually the friendship provides more fuel the fire can flare again. (For those with perverse minds, I am not talking about affairs or other betrayals and evils. I am talking about the friendship that should exist in the relationship... the friendship that can keep the fire fueled.)

One must ask, is the friendship only fuel for the fire of passion. Is it? I guess that depends on how you look at it. But, if you ask people who have been in love and/or married for extensive periods of time (years upon years, decades upon decades), I imagine you will find one remarkable, resounding fact. It isn't the passion and excitement that make life wonderful or the relationship work. It is the friendship and closeness you share. It is the commitment. It is the goal to do all you can to help the other be happy. If this friendship and real fire are fed and kept alive, the romance, the passion and the excitement happen when they will give the most. They happen when they can be real and mean something.

This letter is on-line very late for the celebration of Valentine's Day. However, please remember my thoughts and feelings that I have shared. Think about your own relationship... would it be served by what I have said? If so, I wish you the best. If not, forgive me for standing on the soap box.

Enjoy your time with your loved ones in this season; whether they be of the romantic sort or the friends and family sort. May good memories be made and may the future be bright and full of the grand exploration called relationships.

Sincerely, Trever Adams

P.S. Don't forget to do something nice for those you love. Maybe give one of the best gifts of all, give of yourself, and give specific thanks for what they do for and give to you.